Joshua Zamrycki's Weblog

The Founding Father of Spy-Soundtrack Funky Soul Acid Jazz was in the house at the Sala Apolo last night here in Barcelona and my crew and I were there in the front row to gyrate to the grooves. Well, we started in the front row - right in front of Mr. Taylor's Hammond B-3 - but then realized that those 10-foot mammoth speakers hanging from the ceiling were pointing at the center of the dance floor so we moved back about four scissor steps and were greeted by the blaring trumpet and silky smooth vocals that the enormous sub woofers at the front of the stage just couldn't handle on their own. The high point for me was, without a doubt, when James played Starsky & Hutch and had everyone sing along: Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum baaa-da-ba-ba ba-da-bum ba-da-baaaaaaa ba-ba-da!

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 2:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The headaches started about two months ago. I made the executive decision to ignore them and hope the would go away. After about two weeks, they started getting worse so I finally went to the doctor.

I explained how it was a constant pain in the center of my head that would sometimes last most of the day and seemed to hurt more when I moved my head - especially when I bent over to tie my shoes. The outrageously incompetent doctor immediately diagnosed this as a spinal injury - without even standing up from behind her desk to look at me or, heaven forbid, touch me! I said, "Wait a minute, Einstein. How do you know it's not something else like a migraine or sinus problems?" She explained that because I had not described having any other symptoms that normally accompany migraines or sinus infections, I obviously didn't have them. She then told me how surprised she was that someone so young would have a spinal problem that caused headaches. I said, "Exactly!" She then referred me to a neurologist and prescribed some pain-relief medication.

Two weeks later (more than a month after the headaches had started), I was able to see the neurologist. I explained my case, he looked in my eyes with a bright light, told me to look this was and that, and said there was nothing wrong with my spine (duh!). I asked if it was at all possible that I was having problems with my sinuses (my #1 guess). He told me this was a distinct possibility and scheduled me for a CAT scan - and prescribed some anti-depressants! Spanish doctors are infamous for giving you the bum's rush by prescribing you some meds and showing you the door. I never went to the drug store to pick up the aforementioned scary pills.

So today, about three weeks after visiting the neurologist and two months after the headaches first began, I went for my first ever CAT scan. They didn't really ask me any questions (or talk to me at all, for that matter) so I couldn't tell them that I've been feeling a lot better recently. I got to lay on an amazingly uncomfortable table covered with deli paper while my head was Velcro-strapped backwards at an impossible angle and they slowly passed me through this spinning laser vortex of time that made me feel like I was living a scene out of Half-Life 2. I kinda wish it took longer than the five minutes I was in there. I was having fun playing "stare into the machine to figure out how it works without looking directly into any lasers". I get my results on Tuesday.

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Jan and I were silently melting into the couch this afternoon after stuffing ourselves with one of my gorgeous pasta with cream sauce recipes when I turned to her and said:

Me: I think I dreamed about my dad and sisters cooking rice last night. It kinda got stuck to the pan.

Jan: Oh my god! Guess who I dreamed about last night!

Me: Your ex-boyfriend?

Jan: No.

Me: The Pope?

Jan: Nope.

Me: Without a clue, there are only about a million more people I can think of.

Jan: Six people. Three boys and three girls.

Me: The Brady Bunch?

Jan: No! I didn't grow up with the Brady Bunch.

Me: Oh! The gang from Friends!

Jan: I was at this great party with Phoebe, Monica and... that other one and we were looking for cute guys and then reporting back to Ross, Chandler and Joey.

Me: You're proud of yourself, aren't you?

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 4:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I told her that I wanted to take her out to dinner - just the two of us - to celebrate her birthday. Jan had wanted to have a little party with her friends, but agreed that a romantic evening alone would be nice. Little did she know, I had called 10 of her dearest friends and arranged a litle surprise party in a bar across town.

It all would have gone off without a hitch if Val had not sent a text message to Jan's phone (instead of mine) saying, "We're hiding at the back of the bar." Luckily, I heard Jan's phone beep when the message arrived and I quickly read and deleted it. Jan also heard the phone beep so I had some fast talking to do. I skillfully took her attention off the phone and we were on our way. Crisis averted. Trying to cover up her tracks, Val sent Jan another message which said, "Sorry, that last message was for James." I think this was where Jan started to get an inkling that something was up. Again, I started making witty conversation in an attempt to regain the element of surprise.

We passed by the bar and I told Jan that needed to run in and get some change. I thought she would have followed me in. So I ran out and asked her to borrow some cash. She handed it to me and stayed outside. I finally just grabbed her and dragged her into the bar where all her mates jumped out and yelled "Surprise!" The effect was achieved, Jan was happy, we all went out to dinner at a lovely Sirian restaurant, then spent the rest of the night playing pool and foosball and talking about sex back in the bar. Good times.

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 3:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There is a restaurant below my house called El Racó de les Bruixes (The Witches' Corner). Last August - when Jan was away in Hong Kong and I was home alone - there was a problem with the water in our building so Joan, one of the owners of the restaurant, had to climb up to the roof every night at 2am to refill the deposits with buckets of water so they would have enough water to finish washing the dishes. Barcelona is very hot in August... I would leave my front door open to help circulate air... I stay up late... I'm usually on the computer (right next to my front door)... so I would see Joan reach the top floor every night with bucket in hand. It started with a simple "Hello", but after a few nights of seeing the same guy walk past my front door at the same time, the conversations got longer and longer. I would offer the use of our garden hose and stand over him with our flashlight while he filled the deposits. He and his wife knew Helen (a friend who bequeathed us the flat) so we would swap stories and chew the fat out on the terrace. Since then, I've gotten to know all of the waitresses who work there, Joan and Marta's two little kids, and all the regulars who stop in for a chat from time to time. Now, whenever I get home late at night, I always stop in for a drink and a chat before climbing the six flights up to my bed. I've become a regular! A regular "Norm". Instead of a glass of wine when I get home from volleyball practice, they know to have a bottle of water waiting for me. Today, Joan asked me if I wanted to go with him, his wife, and two other friends up to San Sebastian in the Basque Country to watch a Barca football match and party with them next month. I almost said yes, but they're going on the weekend before Picasso opens so we'll surely be stuck in the theatre all weekend getting ready. I wonder if I would have said yes if I was free...

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 1:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ever see that Bud Light commercial with the horny talking monkey? You know, from the Super Bowl? Well, Budweiser has decided to revive the ad for the Spanish market, but instead of Bud Light, it'll be for Budweiser. So they had to redub the blond guy in the ad that says "Bud Light". And who did they choose to voice the new commercial? That's right: yours truly! It was a piece of cake, really. I had to say all of 12 words. Sure, I had to repeat the words "Budweiser Genuine" about 57 times until the corporate bigwigs were happy, but one hour and one thousand euros later, I was laughing all the way home. My monthly moment of Zen.

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I got a haircut today. I have to admit I was a little nervous. I hadn't paid someone to cut my hair for almost two years. That little buzzer machine was one of the best investments I ever made. But now my hair is getting long again and it was crying to be tamed.

I thought the most logical course of action was to find the closest barber to my house. So there, just around the block, between the candy shop and the bank, a stone's throw from the movie theatre, I found a place. It wasn't a barber. And it wasn't a salon. A hairdresser? What do you call these places? Anyway, the guy was performing a pedicure when I arrived. After a 10 minute wait and a quick snip-snip, I was satisfied and ready to go. An OK job, but the atmosphere left me unimpressed.

Instead of painting old lady's feet, I want my man to dedicate his energies to hair. Instead of offering gossip magazines in the waiting room, I want newspapers next to a couple of old chairs. I want my man to smoke a pipe, not sport an earring. That buzzing machine is all well and good, but I want my man to pull a comb out of a jar of mysterious blue-green liquid. Instead of tropical gels and conditioners, I want hot lather and a straight-edge razor blade gliding across the back of my neck. I want a red white and blue spinning barber pole, goddammit.

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 3:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A couple years ago, I was in a play written and directed by my friend Chris called The Treasure of the Puta Madre - a classic radio play for the stage where 11 characters are played by only five actors. Last year, Chris went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and saw a horribly unfunny comedian performing at a stinky venue in a lousy time slot - to a sold out audience. Chris thought: I can do this! And thus, the idea to revive the Puta Madre and bring her to Edinburgh was born.

Knowing my penchant for numbers and my successful history as a theatrical producer in Barcelona, Chris enlisted me to help him plan the event. He also know that I was about the only other person on the planet who might go 50/50 with him and invest in the tour. It should be stated here that no one brings a show to the Fringe hoping to make a profit. The more apt question is: how much are we going to lose. Why would anyone knowingly lose a heap of money? Are they crazy? Well, people usually bring a show to the Fringe 1) to get noticed by important agents or producers, 2) to showcase new performers, or new plays, 3) to be part of a Festival so diverse and so exciting, or 4) just for the fun of it. I think Chris was looking at reason #2 while I fell head first into #4.

Once we decided to go for it, the roller coaster began:

• up: all 5 of the actors were excited about the project!
• down: the two female actors realized they didn't have enough money to live in Britain for a month and dropped out.
• up: we found two new actresses (including the lovely Jan)!
• down: one of the three male actors (not me or Chris) realized that he couldn't afford to be out of town for so long.
• up: we found a new actor!
• down: he changed his mind.
• up: we found another and he was very excited about the project!
• down: after crunching the numbers, the budget started skyrocketing and it looked like we couldn't afford the festival after all.
• up: we came up with the brilliant idea of selling shares^* to help subsidize part of the production!
• down: after three weeks, we didn't hear back from any of the seven theatres we applied to.
• up: one month later, the offers started to roll in!
• down: they were all asking for more money than we had originally estimated.
• up: we bargained a couple down to what we had originally estimated!
• down: we still couldn't afford the festival.
• up: by simply asking all the actors to pay for their own accommodation in Edinburgh, we were able to fudge the numbers so that it all became possible again!
• down: one of the actresses (not Jan) couldn't afford this and dropped out.
• up: we decided to redistribute the parts and are now going to perform the same play with only four actors!

And this is where we find ourselves today. At every one of these "downs", it looked like the project would be canceled. But every "up" injected a new breath of life into the show and filled us with joy. I signed the contract with the venue and the check is in the mail, so there's no turning back now. Let's just hope there are no more "downs" from here to August - I may be sick.

^* If anyone would like to help support the arts, please feel free to contact me and I will share all the details with you. We need all the help we can get!

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 1:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yes, the April 1st blog entry was a wonderful piece of creative writing that took my two little cousins (and who knows how many others) for saps. Though that was the extent of my international tom-foolery, I was only beginning on the local scene.

After getting the ball rolling with the blog at 2am, I went to work on the home front. Jan had been asleep for a couple hours already so I knew the coast was clear. Instead of telling you what I set up, let me recount Jan's morning the next day:

The plan was to meet Sophie and go to Ikea. Jan's metro card was mysteriously not accepted at the entrance of the metro. She then realized that this was because there was a mysterious piece of Scotch tape on the back of her ticket covering the magnetic strip that read "April Fool's". She went downtown to their arranged meeting point and, when she attempted to call Sophie, Jan was distracted by a mysterious photo of a topless Brad Pitt that has somehow integrated itself into the back of her mobile phone. They made some domestic purchases at Ikea and, when Jan attempted to pay at the checkout, found a mysterious handful of pasta in her change purse. Jan then went home and, when she got to the front door, found her keys all mysteriously taped together. Lucky for our hero, Jan has a decent sense of humor.

To top the day off, I told my friend Jonathan that, in a feat of physics-defying magic, I could attach a glass of water to the wall by using only two bottle caps. I pressed the glass high against the wall, wiggled the bottle caps around the glass for a bit, then clumsily dropped one of them by mistake(?). I asked Jonathan if he would please retrieve the necessary bottle cap from the floor so I could show him the rest of the trick. He bent down and thus received a refreshing splash of water on his head. Jonathan does not posess the highly developed sense of humor that Jan possesses, so our hero soon found himself being held against his will under the kitchen faucet.

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I just feel lost. This is absolute bullshit. I've spent the last six hours on the phone calling everyone I could think of and now I'm too tired and confused to talk to anyone - except myself. Hopefully this'll help sort out my thoughts.

This morning at around 10am I got a call from my boss at one of the dubbing studios I work at. He sounded very mad (but not at me). He said that the studio had been "raided" by the police and they seized all of the information they had on record regarding the people who work there. He then told me that I should be expecting a phone call from some government agency. I had no clue what he was talking about but since he said he had to call another 15 people, I didn't have time to ask.

Sure enough, about 25 minutes later some guy from the Extranjero section of the Ministerio del Interior called me on my mobile. He rattled off a bunch of legalese in Spanish (more than half of which I didn't understand) and told me to come down to the police station immediately. I had a very bad feeling about this, but didn't want to imagine what would happen if I said no so I went.

When I got there, I first had to sit in this waiting room for just over an hour before they called me in. They didn't even tell me why I was there. Basically (to make a long and painful story short), they later told me that my residency papers were not filed correctly and so that meant that they were illegal and that I had no right to be in the country for as long as I was! The recording studio that first helped me get my papers was under some sort of investigation - I have no idea what for. They have given me 48 hours to collect my things and get on a plane for the United States!! I can't even organize to ship of my belongings - I have to stuff what I can in two suitcases. Needless to say, I was upset. I actually started crying.

The bottom line is that I have to spend an entire year (365 days) out of the country before they will allow me to enter Spain again. This means that 1) the wedding is off, 2) Jan and I will be separated for who knows how long, 3) I now have no job, 4) someone here will have to pay to get me my things in the US, and 5) I can't step foot in Spain for one whole year - that is until 2006 April... wait a minute... What's today's date?!? [click here]

Posted by Joshua Zamrycki at 3:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)