Joshua Zamrycki's Weblog

Have you ever Googled your name just to see what comes up? Come on, we all have. I’ve got it pretty easy since there aren’t all that many Zamrycki’s in the world.

The truth is that I Google myself every few months just to see what footprints I’ve left on the web recently. I don’t bother with the ‘Joshua’ bit. I just Google ‘Zamrycki’ and about 75% of the results are usually about me. But this last time was a little freaky…

The first page of results was pretty normal: my blog always comes up first and is usually followed by info about any plays or films I’ve been involved in, any comments I’ve left on other people’s blogs, a couple pages that my sister has visited, and a photo of my dad’s softball team from 1975.

The second page turned up a possible distant relative named Adam Zamrycki from Warsaw who won some sort of award on a Polish MTV site (we’re famous!). The rest of the results were more blog comments, my volleyball team, or entertainment sites where my name appears.

Now the third page of results is where things started to freak me out. All of the results up till now had the word ‘Zamrycki’ somewhere on the page. Obviously, right? I did a search for the word ‘Zamrycki’. That is how search engines are supposed to work. Or is it? A whole batch of pages popped up where the word ‘Zamrycki’ does not appear:

• Sinus infection symptoms
• Eye sty resources
• Cat carrier bargains
• Reading CAT scan resources
• Wicked witch costumes
• Kitchen magnets
• Ceiling lasers
• Cigarettes and chocolate milk
• Sweet Georgia Brown information
• Wild bachelor party pictures
• Dead father wedding songs

As far as I can tell, no Zamrycki had anything to do with any of the above pages. The strange thing is that I have mentioned all of these things in my blog at one point or another in the past two years (except for Dead father wedding songs, I swear). But why would all of these pages appear under a search for ‘Zamrycki’? Does Google assume that the content of my blog is synonymous with the word ‘Zamrycki’? If so, does that mean that anyone who Googles the word ‘elephant’ will find pages about high school because the first result in an ‘elephant search’ is the official page for Elephant The Movie which mentions high school? My brain hurts.

I’m finally coming out of a funk. You see, my body has been unhappy for the past two weeks. It chose to communicate this to me by raising its temperature to uncomfortable and dizzying heights. Never in my life have I had a fever that lasted two weeks before but, after numerous (and fruitless) trips to the doctor, the hospital, and the emergency room, I am happy to announce that I am currently celebrating my third day in a row without a fever! Thank god.

All of the blood tests, urine tests, and x-rays have all come back normal – which they say is a good sign. It means that there’s nothing ’seriously wrong’ with me. They just can’t explain why my temperature fluctuates up to 105 degrees F (40 C). I went to the hospital again yesterday for another round of blood tests. They needed five test tubes filled this time. It felt like I could have filled a bathtub with what they stole from me. I should get the results back in a couple weeks.

And what a time to fall ill. This whole thing hit me just as the volleyball season started and I have missed the first three games of the season. I missed the second offering from my new swing dance class. I’ve had to drag my throbbing head downtown every morning at 9am to begin the first couple weeks of rehearsals for a new children’s theatre production I’ll be touring with this year. And to top it all off, my web host decided to go on the fritz and I’ve spent the past week fighting with servers, cgi scripts, mysql databases, and ASCII ftp transfers. It appears that the state of my health is directly related with the state of my weblog.

But hey, I’m feeling better! My fever is down and the headaches are almost all gone. I’m considering returning to volleyball next week. I should make it to swing class this Wednesday. I’m almost off book for the new plays and we’re working on choreography all next week. I switched web hosts and have successfully installed the new version of Movable Type so I can start blogging again – and redesigning! This nasty little bug appears to be on its way out. Now if I can only find my appetite.

And to prove that I’m feeling better, here’s a picture of a guy throwing his dog:

I did it! I don’t know how but I did it! Well… almost.

As you can see from the current state of this blog, all of my old entries and comments have reappeared – and that was no easy task, I don’t mind telling you. After three solid days of failed attempts and pulling out what little amount of hair I had left, the gods have smiled upon me. The blog is once more. I still have to put everything in its proper place, get the comments working, and make the site all purdy-like, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And now I have an excuse to do a redesign!

I’ll bore you all to tears with the details of my trials and tribulations another time. Right now I’m going to wipe the tears away from my eyes and get some much needed rest. Today was the first in 10 days that I didn’t have a significant fever. Let’s hope I make it through tomorrow.

I started rehearsals for our children’s theatre production of The Phantom of the Opera yesterday.

I have to sing a version of You Can Leave Your Hat On and Tainted Love.

I’m not going to volleyball again tonight.

I’m currently on level 14 of not pr0n.

I really hurt my eyes on level 12.

I’m getting an annoying amount of spam in my blog comments.

I’m currently collecting all of the episodes from Frasier (season 6), I’m Alan Partridge (season 1), Scrubs (season 2), and Batman (season 1 1966).

Jan and I made an amazing carrot cake yesterday.

I’m starting a new season of swing dance classes tomorrow night.

I’m listening to The Black Crowes.

Still spending as much time indoors as possible, I was continuing my rummage around Slashdot’s Math/Logic Riddles from the other day when I stumbled across a site called not pr0n – and it has quickly become my newest obsession. I highly recommend this site to everyone who enjoys using their computer and who, when presented with a problem, likes to think and not mindlessly blurt out “What’s the answer!”.

I am currently on level 7 and am finding it difficult to not Google for the answer – but I will prevail! The feeling is so much richer after an honest triumph.

Allow me to quote what others have said about the site (and I agree with them all):

“This is possibly the greatest “game” I have ever played in my life!”

“I’m glad I took my time solving each riddle on my own, and didn’t rush to the forums demanding help or looking for cheats.Getting through it all was a torture at times, but very much worth the satisfaction I got from solving each level!”

“Thanks for making me learn how to use my computer!”

“I find it challenging and I finally have put my random computer-geek skills to use.”

“Congratulations for keeping me busy for weeks. Not even the latest games with some killer 3D graphics could get me as excited as NotPr0n. And damn you for making me learn something!”

“Not Pron is greatest thing to come along since sliced bread!”

“You don’t have to be a computer nerd to get through the levels.
Just gotta be a quick learner and more importantly, willing to learn.”

Update: Four hours after this original post and I’m on level 11. I’m not quite sure what to do here, but I have a couple ideas to explore tomorrow. I need to go to bed now.

Thoroughly crestfallen and exhausted by the futile efforts of constant email inbox checking for get-well wishes from useless family and friends, I ventured off into cyberspace. A routine visit to the forums of Slashdot introduced me to the wonderful puzzle/game of Petals Around the Rose.

After a week long obsession with Sudoku, I was ready for a new challenge. I’m proud to say that it only took me about 20 minutes to become a member of the Fraternity of Petals Around the Rose. Don’t forget to read the insightful anecdote of what happened when Bill Gates was introduced to Petals Around the Rose in June 1977. Let me know if and when you figure it out.

I thought it would only take a few days of good solid rest to shake this fever and feel all better. Boy was I wrong. In an attempt to get better, I hadn’t left the house for three straight days (including missing our first volleyball game today) and my condition decides to take a turn for the worse. My fever had stayed steady for a couple days, but tonight I started to get some nasty chills: teeth chattering, knees knocking – you know the type. So I went straight to bed to take my temperature – I always feel better taking my temperature in bed – and Ladies and Gentlemen, we had a record: 103.5 degrees (or, as my thermometer said, 39.8). Even though it was 2:00am, I got my shoes on, placed Jan in front of her favorite episode of Frasier, and went to the emergency room.

To make a long story short, the doctor told me that I have some sort of flu and to take some paracetamol and give it another couple days. If I don’t feel better, I should go back and see him. So there you go. I could write more flowery descriptions of how much I was sweating and how the nurse laughed at me for putting the hospital ‘under the arm’ thermometer in my mouth, but I’m a little light headed at the moment. Off to bed and hope for the best. I’ve got a big week coming up.

That’s what the thermometer said when I took it out of my mouth this evening.

I’m sick. But not really. I don’t have a sniffling, sneezing, coughy, stuffy head, so I can’t rest kinda thing. It’s just a fever and general achy bits all over. And I’m tired. So tired that I called my coach to tell him that I wouldn’t be able to make it to volleyball practice tonight. And we have our first game of the season this weekend! I hope I didn’t guarantee myself a spot on the bench by not showing up to practice. Who cares? I gotta get better. I think my 11 hour sleep last night was a step in the right direction.

So I stayed in today and vegged out. Allow me to review my day in the living room:

The Third Man – I have to admit that this 1949 film-noir thriller left me a little cold. I know it was made just after WWII, but I thought both the direction and editing were lousy while the script seemed to lose the plot in more that one place. The acting was pretty good, especially if you like that “I’m in a black and white gumshoe film so I’m gonna monotonely talk as fast as I can” kind of acting.

Jackass: The Movie – Now this was exactly what I needed to start feeling better – laughter! And even though it wasn’t the first time I’d seen it, there was a lot of laughter. What does it say about me that I find this film inspirational?

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas – The best video game franchise of all time. I haven’t played this game (or any other) in over three months so this was a perfect chance to catch up. Today I robbed a bank, knocked over a liquor store, fell in and out of love with a feisty Mexican chick, took first place in a couple of off-road races, killed about a dozen cops, jumped over a broken bridge with an ATV, and started fixing up a shabby garage in San Fierro with a burned out old hippy. I love this game.

Lost – While I was waiting for Season 2 Episode 4 (Everybody Hates Hugo) to finish downloading, I watched a couple of the early episodes from season 1. Very interesting to see how the whole thing has unraveled. Then I watched the new episode. Jack saw Kate in the shower! Jan and I are both happily hooked.

The Importance of Being Earnest – A decent 2002 reworking of the Oscar Wilde classic. With writing that good, it’d be hard to totally mess this one up. I think they all did a good job – some better than others – but it was Miss Judi Dench that totally stole the show. That lady’s got the Midas touch.

Now I’m off to bed for another 11-hour sleepathon. I gotta get better before Saturday’s volleyball game.

When Julian Dykmans hooks you up with a gig, you know you’re in for an adventure. You remember Julian, don’t you? The pro skater from Belgium who starred in the production of The Marriage of Bette & Boo that I directed a few years ago and found us the poles for our wedding chupah? I thought so.

Saturday night, I was the Master of Ceremonies for the Red Bull SkateShot international skateboarding video competition at the BCN City Hall nightclub. About 300 skaters were in attendance to see the skate videos on the enormous (and expensive!) video screen behind me on stage and I was shitting myself.

It wouldn’t have been so nerve-racking if everything had gone according to plan. You see, I was supposed to be one half of the two-man presenting team for the event. Red Bull had also hired a local Spanish snowboarder named Fidel to present with me – him in Spanish and me in English. This wasn’t a speak-and-translate thing, mind you. We were going to do a point-counterpoint type thing, each speaking in his own language so that every member of the international audience would at least understand part of what we were saying. Anyway, in a taxi on his way to the event, Fidel started to get these massive chest pains. They were so bad that he ordered the driver to turn around and take him to the emergency room! It turned out that he had some sort of tiny bubbles around his lungs and I had a whole new challenge set before me: present the whole damn thing by myself… in both Spanish and English!

I had spent the whole day with both the five international skate teams and the Red Bull big-wig organizers – so I had all the information I would need floating around in my little head. But would I remember it all? And when to switch languages? Where was the third camera positioned? Was that Germany or Austria? Who landed that nollie inward heelflip to wheelie? How do you say ‘That skate spot is played out’ is Spanish?

Well, everything went just fine. The crowd warmed up pretty fast and my insane amount of adrenaline carried me safely through the night. I knew I would have at least one friend in the audience because I had told Jan to dress up like a skater-chick and I would leave her name on the guest list. What I didn’t know was that she then called five of her friends to come along. I guess the organizers of the event saw me as pretty important since, after mentioning my name at the door, each of Jan’s friends was presented with four tickets for free drinks at the bar. I also gave them the six tickets that they gave me since I had access to the open bar in the VIP lounge which was filled with all sorts of tasty appetizers like toothpicks with cherry tomato, watermelon and mint – surprisingly yummy!

Once the competition was over and team Austria was rightfully awarded first prize, Jan’s friends slowly started to stumble home. It was only midnight at this point so the club was still open for another six hours. So Jan and I chilled with Julian in the VIP lounge for a while and then observed the wildlife on the dance floor. Jan was so supportive and kind that I floated home on a cloud, wonderfully content with the sizable challenge I had overcome.

Thanks Julian!

I am the supreme ruler of the Universe! Bow down before Zod!

Uh… (clears throat), excuse me. Don’t know what came over me there.

Q: So, how does it feel to win the championship of the BCN Dynasty 2005 baseball league?

A: Well, I gotta tell ya, it feels pretty damn good. Clay, besides being a stand-up Commish (most of the time), put up one hell of a fight in the finals. I didn’t think I had a snowball’s chance in hell until just a few days ago. The suspense was killer. But it feels mighty good to come out on top of such a strong league. My favorite part, of course, was the pulverizing of Clay in the finals – my rival, my Commish, my friend.

Q: What was the secret to your success?

A: Well, I gotta tell ya, it had to be my pitching staff. Once I decided to give up completely on my offense, I was able to concentrate on my defense. That made all the difference. I horded saves and holds like a squirrel getting ready for winter. Plus, my skills as a seasoned mathematician came in handy, I can tell you. Even if he had beat me in WHIP and tied up the series, I would have still come out on top thanks to my ERA. I knew it all along.

Q: And your team?

A: Well, I gotta tell ya, my boys did me proud. If you don’t mind, I’d like to hand out a few awards right now:

MVP: Derrek Lee
Cy Young: Roy Oswalt
Gold Glove: Iván Rodríguez
Rolaids Relief Man of the Year: Joe Nathan
Manager of the Year Award: Me

We here in the front office are very much looking forward to continuing our dynasty next year with with the continued sensational efforts of Derrek, Roy, Miguel Tejada, and Carl Crawford. We’re also counting on both Carlos Beltrán and Curt Schilling to step it up a notch like we know they’re capable of doing.

Thanks, Mom