10:00pm – This evening’s entertainment is apparently a “Mr. Cala d’Or” competition. They asked me to participate; I declined. It’s a good thing, too. The events include such activities as drinking sangria, ripping off your shirt and doing push-ups, kissing as many women in the audience as possible, a twisted version of Simon Says, and a lip sync performance in drag. All the little kids from the kiddie disco are watching from the front row. This would not go down well in a hotel in the US. I’m sure I would do pretty well in this competition. But as Jan astutely pointed out, I probably would try too hard to do everything well. My favorite contestant to watch is the guy from Germany who just has a blast with each event, not worrying about where he’ll finish. The Italian guy is too cool for school. The Dutch guy is out to win it all. The Spanish guy is a bit hopeless.

11:00pm – Before they announce the winner of the competition, they invite everyone on stage to dance. Jan and I jump up for a boogie. The two songs they choose have surprisingly sexually explicit lyrics and choreography. More surprising is the children from the kiddie disco (who haven’t gone to bed yet) who know all the moves! I swear, a little four year-old boy is simulating doggie-style intercourse in front of Jan and me right now. This would not go down well in a hotel in the US.

11:20pm – The Italian just won the Mr. Cala d’Or competition and Jan, Andrés, and I are off to walk around town and find a bar.

11:30pm – Karaoke bar from last night is open. And there’s karaoke. Score!

Friday

8:00am – I woke up with Sebastian again at 7am. Not cool. I’ve taken him down to the pool so as to not wake up Emily and Jan. Nobody has placed any towels on the deck chairs yet because they’re all locked together and don’t become available until 8:30am. The Germans are circling like buzzards, waiting to claim every last chair the moment that lock comes off.

10:20am – One of the entertainment directors just asked me if I wanted to do some rifle shooting in 10 minutes out behind the hotel. This would not go down well in a hotel in the US.

11:00am – I’m not going to do much swimming today. Instead, I’ve finally taken out my camera. I’ve been meaning to do it since we got here but we’ve been immersed in water every waking moment. I know I’ve missed some amazing shots, but I’ve got them in my head. The one where I was swimming, looking up at Emily standing on the side of the pool with her floaty vest in front of a couple of strong palm trees and the amazing blue sky was beautiful.

1:30pm – Why do I insist on eating every single one of the desserts available at every single meal? They’re not even that good!

4:00pm – Emily and Cata are off doing pirate activities this afternoon while I lounge in the kiddie pool with Sebastian. I love how people around the pool watch him in amazement as he jumps into the pool on his own and starts spinning around and flailing his arms and doing his bum drops in the water. I’ve never seen anyone get so much joy out of swimming before. It’s beautiful.

4:45pm – On our way to the bar for some snacks, Sebastian and I just passed a group of eight year-olds being lead in a game of beer pong by hotel activity coordinators. This would not go down well in a hotel in the US.

6:00pm – I just walked out of our room and saw Emily and Cata playing in the hallway outside. They are wearing the same exact dress. It felt way too much like a scene from The Shining.

9:00pm – We decided to let the kids stay up a little bit later than usual tonight to attend the kiddie disco (which starts at 8:45!). Cata made a beeline for the stage. Emily had a fit of the shyness and is on Isabella’s lap. Oh well.

10:25pm – I am now the official Cala d’Or Gardens Rock-Paper-Scissor Champion!! The competition was grueling, and the crowd certainly wasn’t on my side to begin with (since I am apparently the only American in the entire hotel at the moment) but I triumphed in the end and won a bottle of Cava, which I dutifully gave to the guy I beat in the finals. I’m keeping my certificate, though.

12:30pm – Our flight is getting ready to land. I think we’ve been in the air for about 28 minutes. Emily and Cata couldn’t agree on who got to sit next to the window so we had to separate them. The island below looks huge! I didn’t realize Mallorca was so big. The Mediterranean Sea entering the many hidden coves around the island creates an amazing spotted turquoise effect along the coast.

1:20pm – On the bus to the hotel. I’m trying to eat a sandwich with one hand while my other arm is busy holding a sleeping Sebastian. Andrés is having trouble finding where we’re going on the map.

2:00pm – We’ve arrived at the Cal d’Or Gardens Hotel on the east coast of the island. Looks nice enough. There’s a fountain outside that sends water running down the windows in front of the hotel – pretty neat effect. It’s lunch time so the guy at reception says we can go have lunch before actually checking in. We get our “VIP everything included” wristbands and we’re off.

2:45pm – According to the calendar on the wall at reception, there are plenty of activities to keep us busy all week. For the kids: t-shirt painting, cooking classes, dance classes, mask making, kiddie disco, and sports and games. For the adults: dance classes, water aerobics, gym workouts, cocktail creation classes, shooting lessons(!), nighttime shows, and sports and games. I wonder if we’ll actually take advantage of any of them.

3:10pm – We’re all settled into our room – basic but comfortable. We’re right next to the playground – Emily was amazed at the white sand. “It’s so soft! Feel it!”. Our room’s terrace looks out over one of the swimming pools (very nice!). Emily has a fold-out bed and Sebastian has a crib. I hope sleeping everyone in the same room doesn’t cause any problems.

3:20pm – Everyone just jumped right into the pool. Emily is swimming with her new floaty vest and is more confident in the water than I’ve ever seen her. Sebastian is going ballistic in the kiddie pool and is as happy as a pig in shit. He’s actually squealing.

4:00pm – Just checked out the bar. They’ve got pretty much anything you can imagine but, since it’s all-you-can-drink, they’ve made sure to stock the bar with the cheapest alcohol possible. My first piña colada was pretty lame. The official drink of the day is a new creation of ours: an orange granizado with dark rum poured over it. Yummy!

5:15pm – A stranger just knocked on our door holding a hysterically crying Emily is her arms. Emily had been playing in the playground by herself and fell off the swings. Luckily she had the wherewithal to show this kind stranger where her room was. I’m very impressed she remembered the way after only going back to the room twice since arriving.

8:45pm – Emily and Cata are playing in the playground before getting ready for bed. I’m with Sebastian at the kiddie disco. The two event coordinators are dressed as Superman and Superwoman and are shouting in Italian as everyone dances to The Hokey Pokey and The Monster Mash. The music is so damn loud. I put Sebastian up on the stage and he immediately joins in by swinging his arms and spinning around. He also likes to stand right in front of the speakers and hold his hand out to feel the vibrations. Then he runs towards the front of the stage and jumps off the edge into my arms. The kid is insane. I put him back on the stage, he dances a little more, and does another stage dive. We repeat this about 20 times.

10:30pm – The kids are all in bed and Jan has stayed behind as the evening’s babysitter. I’m with Isabella and Andrés watching the evening entertainment. It’s a horror-themed variety show. It’s pretty horrific. Have these people no shame? It makes every children’s theater performance we’ve ever done look like Broadway. Still, kinda fun to watch

11:40pm – We grab a handful of Cuba Libres and set off to find the beach. It’s only supposed to be 100 meters from the hotel but we can’t find it. We blame the rum. We do find a karaoke bar where Alicia Keys’ New York brings a tear to my eye – as usual. And we eventually do find an amazing moonlit cliff overlooking the cove where the beach is supposed to be. We sit on the side of the cliff and talk while naming stars, exploring the landscape, and listening to the sea do its midnight dance.

Thursday

7:00am – Sebastian doesn’t realize we’re on holiday and wakes up entirely too early. Grrr.

10:30am – Andrea, the Slovakian event coordinator, just painted a big green A on my cheek. I’m apparently on her team for today’s Olympics. The rest of my team is made up of all Germans and one French guy.

11:00am – First up, water volley. Jan, Emily, and Sebastian are on the side of the pool cheering me on. The kids wave to me between every point. We do OK. Second place.

11:40am – Emily and Cata are back in the playground. They are both apparently “Grumpy old trolls who live under the bridge”. Too much Dora, methinks. They have all their troll friends and family sitting on the swings and on the see-saw. Each troll is represented by a small pile of sand. The girls inform me that Sebastian is a little baby grumpy old troll. He doesn’t seem to mind. He likes the slides.

12:00pm – Next sport, football (soccer). I tell my team to let me sit this one out. I don’t know how to play football, I’m just a silly American. Their nickname for me, by the way, is “New York”. They convince me to play and I wind up scoring the winning goal in overtime on penalties! We still end up in second place. And my feet hurt.

2:00pm – Everyone is exhausted at lunch. We decide to schedule some naps into the day’s activities.

4:00pm – Third Olympic event, volleyball! This was pretty much the only reason I wanted to play in these games. I do my part to keep us competitive but it’s not enough to beat the Italians. We take last place. I still had a good time and was very proud of myself for not getting worked up over the jungleball that was being played.

5:00pm – Finally, off to the beach. The nearest beach (the one we couldn’t find last night) is closer than any of us had imagined. It’s also a lot smaller than any of us had imagined. But it’s beautiful. The water in this tiny cove is crystal clear and there are tons of tiny fish zipping across the sea floor. One not-too-small fish tried to bite Jan’s foot. She didn’t like that. Sebastian found a toy car on the beach and was instantly in heaven.

Emily’s school ended at the end of June and, on the first week of July, we packed our suitcase for a week in England. We returned to spend a couple of weeks in Barcelona before we packed our suitcase again for… wait for it… another week in England! August saw us spend another week in Barcelona before we packed our suitcase again and headed to a sweet villa by the beach down in Sitges along with 10 of our closest friends. We had to return to Barcelona for the manic Festa Major de Gràcia, but then we packed our suitcase again for a lovely stay with Juls & Co. down by the beach in Calafell. Now we’re back in Barcelona. And guess what we’re doing? That’s right. We’re packing our suitcase one final time for our Spanish summer swan song: Mallorca!!

This will be the holiday to end all holidays. At least for this summer. Traveling with our good friends Isabella, Andrés, and Catalina, we’ve opted for the “todo incluido” package at a hotel on the northeast coast of the island where we’ll be enjoying what we hope to be a full week of rest and relaxation by one of the various pools or maybe down by the beach inside a glorious rocky cove. All meals, all snacks, and all drinks (yes, all drinks!) are included. The big question is how successful the Kids Club will be. Will this guarantee a level of child autonomy, during which time the grownups may enjoy the Margarita-till-you-drop special? I’ll let you know when we get back

Now I’ve just got to get me a good pair of shoes…

Wedding Pringles
(1 year, 5 months)

I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again: having a boy is absolutely nothing like having a girl. I wish I could say that some things are easier and some things are more difficult, but I can’t think of a single thing that is easier when you add a little testosterone into the mix. Heck, even wiping poo off a stinky butt is more challenging once you add those extra bits down there. It’s a good thing he has such a winning smile.

Bubble Cup
(1 year, 5 months)

With Second Child Syndrome in full effect, I haven’t had the luxury of blogging every single one of Sebastian’s milestones as I did with Emily. But I’m not giving up entirely. I hope this little entry goes a long way to catching you up to where our bouncing baby boy is today.

• Sebastian is violent. No need to beat around the bush. He is a brute. I’m not saying he’s any more violent than other boys his age (though I fear he might be), but all we have to compare with is a lovely little girl. We were totally comfortable with forward rolls, brushing hair, impromptu ballet performances, and teddy bear cook-offs. Now we have shouting, hitting, throwing, biting, shouting, pushing, kicking, and shouting to contend with. He’s a rough-and-tumble bruised-and-battered kinetic little ball of pent-up hormones. We often fear for our lives.
• A year and a half appears to be the time when children (or maybe just our child) begin to appreciate the company of other similar-sized people. Sebastian loves being around other kids – especially older kids. He likes chasing games and hiding games best. It’s very interesting watching him follow people around and imitate everything they do. He’s a little monkey man.
• Sebastian was born into a house filled with magic ponies and pink dresses. We supplied no “boy” toys at the beginning. The first toy that Sebastian showed any interest in? Emily’s doll stroller. What did he do with it? He flipped it upside down and spun the wheels. Oooh wheels! At that moment, a whole new world of spinning delight had opened up to Sebastian. He was fascinated by absolutely anything with wheels: cars, trains, bicycles, skateboards, shopping carts, suitcases. Sebastian has got a wheel fetish.
• Strike that; Sebastian does not have a wheel fetish. It’s an obsession! He has, however, got a pretty nasty shoe fetish. Around the house or in public. His shoes or anyone else’s. Sebastian loves putting on and walking around (or dancing) in different shoes. It makes him very happy.
• But why walk (or dance) when you can jump? Sebastian is a jumping fool. It started with the patented Bum Drop™ around the house, moved on to the bouncy bed with Emily, then proceeded to flourish on the couch in the living room (mostly from the arm of the couch, but he has been known to Bum Drop from the couch to the floor). His love of jumping has trumped any fear of water as he now enjoys jumping into swimming pools – usually when we’re there to catch him (but not always).
• Many of you know that Sebastian started walking when he was about nine months old, but did you know that he then started playing football (soccer) when he was only 12 months old? He’s amazing. He can kick the ball up and down the field for hours. And such ball control! Whenever we go to a park, the first thing he notices is if anyone is playing football. If so, he’ll walk right over to them and try to steal the ball. The big kids usually think he’s quite funny and let him play for a little while. I love it when he places the ball on the ground for a free kick, takes a few steps backwards, lines up his shot, and then charges at the ball and blasts it into the net. He’s only been playing for six months but he’s already better than his father (I guess that’s not really saying much).
• Have you seen this boy’s smile? Sebastian’s teeth came in early and he’s very proud to show them off. His winning grin regularly wins him friends wherever he goes. He really is a smiley boy.
• After smiling, Sebastian’s second favorite thing to do with his teeth is eat. Well, maybe biting, but probably eating. Only thing is, he will eat when he’s good and ready to eat. If the stars aren’t aligned correctly, that food is getting thrown across the room. But when he decides that the time is right, he will eat pretty much anything we set in front of him. Pasta, sausages, fish, chicken, vegetables, fruit, yogurt, rice, tofu… you name it! But only when he’s ready.
• And now for a very contentious point. Talking. Sebastian is definitely the strong silent type – he just shouts instead of being silent. At a year and a half, Emily was already speaking circles around where Sebastian is right now. I know you’re not supposed to compare your kids to each other but, if this was really true, why would God have invented blogs? You see, as physically capable as Sebastian appears to be, I’m not so sure his elevator reaches the top floor. I mean, the lights are on but I’m not so sure anyone’s home. I guess what I’m trying to say is that he’s just not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I know, I know… “But he’s a boy! Boys develop later than girls!”. I’m having trouble swallowing this pill. Sure, he babbles all the time in his own adorable little language. He sometimes points to things he wants. He picks up random objects (remote controls, toy cars, shoes) and “talks” into them as if they were a telephone. But he’s not really talking. Just look at this:

I swear he knew I was preparing to write this blog entry because he only added a couple of those words to his repertoire this week. At least he’s finally making and effort. And he’s finally starting to understand what the heck we’re talking about! When he bounds up to a helpless puppy dog and grabs a fistful of fur, we can say, “Gentle!!” and he’ll calmly stroke the dog’s head. That’s good. When he picks up a wooden toy train and is about to throw it at Emily’s head, we can say, “Put it down!!” and he’ll calmly place it on the floor. That’s good. He does not (apparently) understand the word “No”. It will be a major milestone when/if he ever understands (and respects) this word. Fingers crossed for sooner rather than later.

And that’s our boy! He gives the bestest hugs and is terribly affectionate. He’s the sweetest little bruiser you’ll ever want to meet. Here are a few choice photos from the past few months:

Dr. Jones
(1 year, 2 months)

Marsupial
(1 year, 2 months)

Swamp Thing
(1 year, 3 months)

Speed The Tractor
(1 year, 4 months)

Swing High
(1 year, 4 months)

And finally, here are a couple of videos. In this first one, you can observe a bit of those football skills I mentioned earlier. This is in the back garden at Jan’s sister’s house in England.

And in this second one, you can see a bunch of those jumps and a couple of Bum Drops. I wonder where he gets that from?

Shit.

Quick, think. I ask about getting on the flight anyway. We’re told to wait to one side while they check. Meanwhile, I hear the announcement closing our flight. We’re eventually told that there were 10 no-shows and we could buy tickets on the flight for 412 pounds. 412 pounds?!!? Fuck it, I say OK! We’re sent to another line where another lady – not quite as friendly but seven times more incompetent than the first lady – starts stabbing keys on her high-tech monochrome computer in some slow-motion hunt-and-peck fashion, all the while muttering, “I don’t know…”. She then tells us that it’s “impossible”. Shit.

So there we are. Stranded in the airport. In the middle of nowhere. No place to go. No transportation. With two uncomfortable and unrelenting kids. Jan and I then proceed to fail miserably at calmly discussing a reasonable solution to our dilemma.

We eventually decide to head back to grandma and granddad’s house with out tail between our legs. Who knows when the next train leaves. We ask at the taxi stand and they quote us 152 pounds for the one-way trip. 152 pounds?!!? They are not kidding (I asked). I ingeniously head back to the rental car desk from whence we had just left. 72 pounds for a 24-hour rental. Score! So back we drive. Defeated. Tired. Hungry. And definitely not on schedule to make the next day’s video shoot.

Jan had booked the flight and I just wrote the wrong goddamn date in my calendar – and all subsequent plans were made according to that botched date. So we missed the flight, but flew the next day. I missed the video shoot, but found a last-minute replacement (thanks, James!). And we ended up losing some more money, time from our lives, and a bit more of what little hair remains on my head. But I’m home now and typing this from the comfort of my own desk. It’s good to be home.

The Speech

Yes, we just went to England not three weeks ago for Jan’s sister’s wedding. But that was family. Sarah and David are friends. A completely different type of wedding. So we’re back. One full week at grandma and granddad’s house culminating in a lovely little wedding at Sarah’s mum’s house in Upwell (just five minutes up the road from Jan’s parent’s house in Outwell). The weather was beautiful. The garden was beautiful. The food, the friends, the family, the speeches, the cottage, the chickens(!), the swing seat, the rugby, the ponds were beautiful. The couple were beautiful.

Congratulations, Sarah and David. Here’s to many beautiful years together. Huzzah!

There are some other, really fun ones. But I guess you’d have to buy the course to see them. I’ll see if I can get my hands on a few.

Yup, the kids love taking a bath together. And I love nothing more than mopping up the bathroom and half the hallway after each one.

Sure, there were some surprises and disappointments. France crapped out early (good!) and Italy bit the big one (nice!). Mexico got a bum deal. And then England shit the bed. More recently, the South American powerhouses of Brazil and Argentina surprised the world by not winning the whole tournament five times over. Emily’s favorite team, Slovakia, did better than anyone expected – except for her. It’s a shame they had to run into Holland in the Ro16. The US actually played better than most people expected. That was nice.

I don’t pretend to know very much about football. I only started watching the sport eight years ago during the 2002 World Cup. That was awesome. We have so many friends from all over the world that each match had a personal spin to it that really added to the excitement. I was out at a different bar every night watching matches between tams from countries that I didn’t even know existed. The 2008 World Cup sort of came and went. I watched it, but it wasn’t nearly as memorable. And this year’s tournament has been watched mostly from the comfort of our living room sofa. But we might as well have been in the middle of Plaça Catalunya with all the shouting and cheering coming in through our open balcony doors from the entire neighborhood watching the same match at the same time with their balcony doors open. It was electric.

So… this Sunday. The 2010 World Cup final. La Roja vs. the Oranje. Spain’s first-ever World Cup final appearance. With a team made up principally of Barça players. Vamos España! Força Espanya!!