There have been no updates to this blog for the past four days because Jan and I have spent that entire time talking about religion. You see, we went to services Friday night to talk with the rabbi there about our upcoming wedding. I really want a Jewish wedding and Jan wants me to have what is important to me. So the first step was to find a rabbi.
I went into the rabbi’s office to introduce myself and explain my situation. Gabriel is a lovely man: he is originally from Uruguay, spent 15 years as a rabbi in New York, and just recently took on the congregation here in Barcelona. He was very eager to help out. He insisted we speak in English (which was nice) so he could stay in practice. “Are you Jewish?” he asked. “Yes, I am” I replied. “Is your fiancée Jewish?” “No, she isn’t” I admitted. “Oh…”
To make a long story short: he won’t be performing our wedding. I was crushed. He explained (rightfully so) that a Jewish wedding is intended for two Jewish people. I felt all the color rush from my face as my heart broke. All my life I had imagined a Jewish wedding for myself. There was never an option. But then I found myself congratulating the rabbi for his decision. I felt proud that the Jewish community was standing strong and doing the right thing.
The rabbi went on to explain that, though in the US there would maybe be a chance, it would be next to impossible to find a rabbi in Spain that would marry us. And this was coming from the rabbi of the reform temple!
He assured me that Jan and I were both welcome to attend any and every function at the synagogue both before and after the wedding, but unless she converted to Judaism, he would be unable to perform the marriage. And that’s when the keyword of the weekend first bore its head: conversion. Jan has never had any intention of converting to Judaism and I have no intention of asking her to do something she isn’t comfortable doing. So we’re basically stuck in a lose-lose situation: either we have a Jewish wedding and Jan is forced to do something she doesn’t want to do, or we have a civil wedding and I am forced to do something I don’t want to do. I tried to tell Jan that I would be perfectly happy with a civil wedding, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
We are meeting with the rabbi this week to first find out what the whole conversion process entails. And educated decision is better than a rash one. He said that he would be more than happy to work with us to accomplish whatever we have planned. Even though the conversion usually takes about nine months, if we want to get married in three months he’d help us to make it happen. If it is super-simple, we have some thinking to do. Of course, if the process consists of anything that Jan isn’t up for, we start planning for a civil wedding right away. It is true that I had my hopes up for a Jewish wedding, but at the end of the day, we just want to have a party and tie the knot. I hope my family understands.
coming from the agnostic grandchild who accidentally laughed in her grandmother’s face when she asked her how she prays (i didn’t mean to, i was just startled and didn’t know how to respond) i am all there for it. yet, considering how happy everyone is that you are getting married, if you can’t have a jewish one for whatever reason, then i am sure they will still stick by your side.
whatever the decision, I am sure the family will support you.
and I know I will. I find the whole thing very intruiging, as I recently had a similiar conversation- I cannot imagine myself being married without a Jewish wedding, or, for that matter, marrying someone not Jewish, but I mentioned to a close friend that the girl I thought my brother should spend forever with was not Jewish, and for him I didn’t think this was important. I’m not conveying the conversation well, although I’ll try to explain further if you’re really interested, but the final bit ends with me saying I love you, Josh, and I can’t wait for the wedding, no matter how religious (or not religious) it may be! (when’s the date???)
Thanks for the support! I’m really torn here. We’re meeting with the rabbi on Friday so everything should be cleared up by then. That’s all we want: for this to be cleared up and allow up to get on with the show!
I am currently in a situation similar to Josh – marrying a british lass, both of different religions. The difference between us is that a Jewish wedding was never something i was looking forward to, therefore we are having one of our clients, a judge, marry us. The bottom line – the wedding ceremony will last a total of 30 minutes max….then you have the rest of your lives to look forward to! Conversion seems like a fairly big deal to me, especially if it is done just so you can have a Jewish Wedding (to me, that doesn’t seem to be the point of conversion…). My opinion – get hitched, break the glass, have the band play Hava Nagila, dance a horah….and eat like an engorged tick. Then, just be happy. I am sure your family will be more than thrilled even if a rabbi doesn’t pronounce you man and wife….but that’s just my two cents.
another option where:
1) Jan stay her religion and
2) you get a Jewish wedding is
You get married in America. Just an option.
Hi Josh,
Your story about the wedding put me to tears….It’s me, Ellen. There is a reason and a rhyme for everything….Mario and I have these mysterious happenings with computers and websites which lead us down paths we don’t always anticipate. He was helping me to locate Goomer in English on Google, (as I am trying to locate copies of the series I was also in) and your website came up. As Mario was sitting here, he began to read your site and said, “Hey, come and read about Josh’s wedding dlilemna”. So we